I Have kidnapped the editor (Eddy Tor) and brought him here to a secret location where I am administering a very painful torture.

He is as at this very moment on the rack and as I turn the handles very slowly I can see by the way his eyes are out on sticks that it hurts.

The bad news for him is that it is going to get a lot worse. The good news is that he won’t need to have his trousers turned down, as his legs will be at least two inches longer.

Already today I have flayed him, beat him, set fire to him, and to cool him down submitted him to water torture. If he doesn’t crack soon he’ll be sorry.

As soon as I find a shilling for the meter he’s going to get the electric shock treatment.

You may wonder what could have driven me to such action. It is because he has had a complaint about one of my pieces and refuses point blank to the reveal the complainant’s identity.

You can say what you like about Eddy Tor but if there is one thing he is, it is discreet. He’s harder to break than a walnut at Christmas when you’re disabled by 10 pints and can’t find the nutcracker.

I think he would make a brilliant criminal.

My complainant appears to believe I have upset my neighbours. In my time I have upset half the county. It’s what I do best.

Does anybody really believe I am terrible to Ms Nomates because of some of the things I have written? Let me assure everybody that Ms Nomates takes it on the chin. Sometimes on the bottom, but when she won’t bend over it has to be the chin.

I’m kidding of course. I wouldn’t lay a finger on her but she thinks differently and she certainly lays her finger on me.

When I’ve been a naughty boy she points in my direction and says ‘You won’t go to heaven now!’ My relieved reply is always the same. ‘Thank God for that, I’ll go later then, much later’.

If I upset people more than I am upsetting the editor he will see to it that I will be tarred and feathered and in case you are wondering, yes I have been tarred and feathered before and what a party that was.

I have also walked over hot coals and there’s a lesson to be learned. Health and Safety Warning: When you have a barbecue never let a drunk poke the fire.

Some of my words are true and some are clearly fiction just like ‘The cheques in the post’, ‘ or ‘I’ll still love you in the morning’ and Ms Nomates can always tell when I’m making things up. She knows the truth when I tell her I’ve only had two pints. I know it’s hard to believe but I do try to ‘slur’ away with it. My words relate to something that could happen or might happen and maybe I exaggerate. Most men do. We have to.

I wonder so let me ask you all. Do people get upset about Andy Capp and the way he speaks to Flo or chastise Fred Flintstone for giving Thelma the run around.

Have Batman and Robin said something they shouldn’t? POW ZAP KERPLUNK. Are Will and Grace a little too risqué?

What do we think about dear old Morecambe and Wise being seen in a double bed together on the telly and was there more to it than met the eye? I always thought it was in bad taste after all who would be seen dead in those pyjamas and in a bedroom with such awful wallpaper? Did Jack and Vera really keep pigeons? Does Roy Cropper really prefer trains to Hayley or do we believe that when they’re alone he might say to her that ‘she’s smokin’ hot? No, it’s all fiction. Now where’s that flamethrower? Break Eddy Tor Break!