I still prefer Ronnie Rover to Kia Caren

He was a man’s man.

Maybe an old man’s man but a man’s man nevertheless. He didn’t throw strops like she does. She locked me out in Aldi car park with the key in her ignition because I went off with Limpy Les to buy necessities.

I begged her to let me in but I think she has been watching Ms Nomates who locks me out at least once a day.

I needed assistance. With my trolley full of 20 cases of booze I troubled the very kind man from Aldi.

He said ‘you certainly look as though you need help’ and phoned the AA.

Ten minutes later a very empathetic gentleman from ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ arrived. ‘I don’t need a talking to’ I objected, ‘I need to get in to my car’ to which he replied ‘I wouldn’t risk it if I were you Billy’. ‘I haven’t touched a drop yet, it’s Caren who locked me out’ I objected. ‘Probably to stop you drinking and driving’ he said.

Then I remembered I am a member of the RAC.

They’re brilliant. RAC stands for ‘Ring And Chill’. Happy Stewart arrived with the smile and charm of a man who knew how to succeed with women. Caren was like putty in his hands.

He stroked her, caressed her and whispered sweet nothings. She yielded and gave herself to him flinging open her door and forfeiting her key.

It goes to show you have to be gentle with the fairer sex, not kick her tyres, swear, curse and threaten to rip her window out like I did.

Needless to say Stewart and I are now best mates but I don’t think I will ever be as close to Caren as I was with Ronnie.

He identified with me and knew where I wanted to go in life. How often do you hear? ‘My car doesn’t understand me’.

It’s true. Some cars never settle.

They were fine with their first owner but start to play up as soon as they have been passed over for a younger model.

Caren is damaged goods but she can carry a lot of baggage. Straight away she gave in to Stewart’s charms maybe because he is a younger man.

Who knows? I should never have let Ronnie go. I am going to put my foot down with a firm hand. (Not an easy position to drive in) If Stewart wants her he can have her and if she wants to go she can.

She’ll soon tyre of him ignoring her (see what I did there?) while he plays around with other Cia clutches, crankshafts and catalytic converters. Stewart is coming round later to help to drain my beer tank.

If you need a man that can just call the ‘R-ing A-nd C-hill man’.

And RAC if you want to use my slogan I have the copyright.

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