THE general election came and stayed. We certainly showed the rest of the world how it’s done didn’t we? I bet the Afghans can’t wait to surrender now and experience the same sophistication as we did.

Our polling stations included the grounds of a castle, a hairdressing salon, a caravan, a teashop and even someone’s bedroom. If Ms Nomates voted in the bedroom I’d be voted out for sure. I was intrigued by the thought of having a polling station in a caravan. Abbi our caravan doesn’t know it but I have put her name down for next time. Ronnie Rover can pull her in to the required position where Lucy Laguna can park and flash her headlamps to attract attention.

Some places even ran out of ballot papers. ‘Due to an unexpected high turnout in the Wavertree constituency, a small number of polling stations ran out of ballot papers in the early evening’.

Call me thick but even I would assume that we would have one each. Obviously nobody in charge had ever been the pencil monitor in school. Each party demonstrated an outstanding ability to deliver us multiple, costly campaign leaflets. I can just see them now as they scratched their heads, ‘That’s odd, no one is voting. Oops! It wasn’t our fault. It was the civil servants and the councillors.’ Anyone can make a mistake but as the returning officers are on pretty good money are they yet another rabble to be rewarded for failure?

We are now in an American 24 hour culture yet the polling stations were only open from 7am to 10 pm with some refusing to hand out ballot papers. ‘By law, polls must close at 10pm and any voter issued with a ballot paper by 10pm should be allowed time to cast it, but no ballot paper should be issued after 10pm’.

What kind of a dumb law places such a restriction on our citizens’ rights and ability to vote? It might be understandable if it were a fortnightly event like the wheelie bin collections. If they cut the budgets as much as they say they will, bin removals could be every five years too.

Imagine if you were to miss the day, it would cause a hell of a stink. Is it not unreasonable to have a full voting day or maybe make a weekend of it? Ms Nomates I’m sure would help with the sandwiches and I would volunteer to help behind the bar. Talking of drink, it is incredible that it is legal to buy booze for a longer period on polling day than it is to vote. Unlike drink, once I’ve had one vote I don’t really fancy a second. We can shop 24 hours a day in Tesco. Maybe we could vote there and get double points at the same time.

Then we got the result we expected, a hung parliament. Having had the manifesto pledges forced down our throats, we now realise (as if it is a surprise) that everything is negotiable. ‘This is what we stand for and we are committed to keep our promises for the sake of the great British people’. Behind closed doors the deal makers were scratching each others backs and skilfully planning how to rearrange the promises in a user friendly way to make us believe it is all for our own good.

This is my big question. If all parties are acting for the good of the nation and not for themselves, why did they have to conduct discussions in secret? Doesn’t it make sense that if they want to be open and honest that we should witness what is being negotiated on our behalf, especially as they chose to have television debates to sell their policies in the first place?

I do imagine strange things sometimes. In my imagination I see them all at a party with paper hats, streamers and jelly and custard playing pass the policy.

Who wants to wear the ‘cap on immigration’ shouts Gordon throwing it at David. Let’s play ‘Proportional Representation’ begs Nick but the other spoilsports won’t join in unless they get an invitation to the next big party.

Then they all go home with a goody bag.