DEAR Billy,

These darned comparison sites on the TV today confuse me. If they are not pushing it down my throat between every programme, they are ringing me constantly.

The other annoying adverts are for settees. Is this all our country has to offer now?

Yours sincerely

Ms Sheila Sweeles

Dear Sheila,

If I hear ‘Go Compare’ one more time, I’ll throttle someone.

I notice you are Ms, like Ms Nomates. Maybe you don’t want to be a Mrs until you have ‘compared the market’. Funny? No. Ok.

There are still some dashing men available. I’m not so young, but debonair nevertheless. Ms Nomates keeps threatening to find herself a toyboy but she won’t. She hates buying batteries for the children’s toys, so I’m giggered if she’ll fork out on Duracells to keep a toyboy going all night.

Mother Nomates’ favourite advert is Compare The Meerkat Dot Com. Every morning, with senile enthusiasm, she pleaded with me to visit the meerkats, so we took her to Knowsley Safari Park hoping she would be content to watch them play for a while. ‘Simples’.

It wasn’t until we got home that I discovered she had one in her handbag. I told her you could not take ‘Samples’.

I could not ring up and admit that mother had slipped over the fence and helped herself to a pet could I? ‘It says distinctly not to feed the animals. It didn’t say you can’t care for one’, was her reasoning.

You see things differently when you are a child the second time round. I had to protect her. There is only one way to hide live evidence and in case you’re wondering, they taste just like chicken.

Let’s just hope they keep moving and nobody notices they’re one short. I have bought a toy meerkat which Ma Nomates thinks is real, bless her.

Like Santa on Christmas Eve, I have to sneak by and eat its food when she’s not looking. It has not put on any weight so she keeps leaving more and more food. I have eaten more insects than anyone on ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here’.

What we do for the love of our mothers, eh?

I must convince her meerkats love curry then we will both be happy.

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