THERE is to be a society wedding next year and we’ve been invited.

One of the Nomates Clan (we sound like the Dingles) is going to make an honest woman of his girlfriend, well, he will do when she comes out of prison. That’s not funny! Yes it is. I find the expression, ‘making an honest woman’ plain daft.

Why the euphemism for getting married? Why don’t we say it like it like it is?

He is going to sign his life away to a woman.

Admittedly she is beautifully mannered, classy, intelligent, thoughtful, unselfish, kind and considerate, she loves children, is good with money and if that is not enough, she is drop dead gorgeous.

She is almost as gorgeous as Ms Nomates but you knew I’d say that.

Apart from the obvious, what is the attraction in getting married?

Today it is fashionable to live over the brush. No she is not marrying cousin Basil. Oh and by the way, talking of brushes, she keeps a beautiful home.

Do I sound jealous? Of course I am because Ms Nomates won’t tie the knot. I’ve asked until I’m blue in the face but she says the only knot she will tie is around my neck and then I will definitely go blue.

I’m warning you Ms, I can’t hang around forever, you are bound to cut me down complaining that I make the place look untidy.

I can’t name names because the family doesn’t want Hello magazine banging at the door all day and night, but to give you a clue he is the one who looks like a pop star and plays football like a Premier player.

If I were to say he can bend it like Beckham you might grasp the picture. (Or you might get pictures of your own.) He looks better, plays better and has a secret tattoo which his bride will discover on their wedding night. ‘I LOVE MUM’. Not the most fashionable, I have to say, and could put the bride off unless of course the bride happens to be called mum, which she doesn’t. And no she isn’t!

She is his little princess and he is her knight in shining Armani. (A euphemism for more money than sense.) He could easily play for a top club except that he is actually English.

Maybe hearing the wedding march might spur her on but somehow I fear not because Ms Nomates’ first reaction was not that we should do the same but, ‘Oh good I can get a new frock.’ Women buy new ‘outfits’ but we blokes always wear our ‘wedding suit’ which also doubles as a ‘funeral suit’.

It is also worn to attend interviews and if you happen to be of a criminal mind, it looks very respectful in court.

Once the outfit is acquired, then the search for a matching handbag and shoes begins.

The ladies have to be completely coordinated. Men manage to maintain their coordination until about an hour after the bar opens, then it’s all systems go to the ‘who can make the biggest fool of himself competition’.

The ‘I’ve had a stroke’ routine is wearing thin and nobody believes that me crawling round on all fours and slobbering has anything to do with a medical problem. Brain damage yes, stroke no!

Luckily the brothers Nomates are as bad as I am and we usually fall down together.

There are those who may believe it is bang out of order being so drunk that you are under the table but believe me it is the best place to be when the fighting starts.

Talking of weddings and fights, on a serious note, they do say that today, 45 per cent of marriages fail but I can beat that. One hundred percent of mine failed. How do they work out the figures? Who ever gets married a 100 times only to fail in 45 of them?

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