The Goody Two Shoes (From Northwich Guardian)

The Goody Two Shoes

10:25am Thursday 15th April 2010

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I HAVE always believed that you should never trust a man who doesn’t take a drink. Tea-totallers everywhere will be having a fit but it does hold some modicum of truth.

It is the same with the ‘nicey nicey’ people.

I have always been suspicious of Mr and Mrs Goody Two-Shoes. Don’t ask me why, I can’t explain it but I confess it is almost like a prejudice.

Maybe it was because we had rebels and bad boys when I was young, people like James Dean, Marlon Brando and Jack Nicholson. John Lennon was arrogant and brilliant and I loved him.

I adored films where the criminals got away with it through sheer cunning and ingenuity and I was always drawn to the naughty people and no one, including myself, could ever understand why.

Now I think I do.

We know where we are with criminals. We have expectations. We lock our doors because we know a bad boy will probably take his chance if he finds easy pickings.

We zip our wallets into our pockets because we know there are those who have the skill to take them from us.

We hide our pin numbers and ID information because we know for certain there are clever criminals who have great skills in the world of IT and information theft.

We fit anti-theft devices to our cars because we know for certain there are those who know how to nick them.

What we don’t expect, and why would we, are those that we trust with our lives to turn us over or take advantage.

First of all we have one of my favourite targets, the police.

Now to be fair, the ones I have known personally I am pleased to say have been normal human beings. One is now a fellow published writer and that proves that the odd one can string two sentences together without it sounding like a caution.

I remember another one with particular affection from the sixties. Fred, who was our village bobby, would many a time he give me a clip round the ear and take me home to Mother Nomates to get a good hiding with the brush stale.

Any criminal intent I had was knocked out of me and to make it worse, I was made to use the same brush to clean up. Mothers eh! You have to love them.

As for Fred, he knew how to handle people and he knew how to be a decent copper. Maybe it’s because they’re so young nowadays and it’s just for the money, I don’t know.

I hate kids telling me what to do and worse still I hate kids in uniforms with a chip on each shoulder and a clipboard.

Just when we thought we could begin to believe we were on the road to a House of Commons recovery, we discover that they have been at it again with what I consider to be another abuse of their positions and our trust and our money. Some former cabinet ministers have offered to use their knowledge and contacts in a way that, ‘frankly, makes money’ or being secretly being recorded offering themselves ‘like a sort of cab for hire’ for up to £5,000 a day. It may sound odd but maybe we can relax now.

Now we know where we stand, we don’t have to pussyfoot round them as if they are somebody special. We know what our MPs are like so maybe we can take action. Does anyone have Guy Fawkes’ mobile number?

But the worst example of The Goody Two Shoes family, and it’s only my opinion, has to be the Catholic Church.

It has, for years, frightened the living daylights out of billions of people, condemning the world and his wife as sinners.

You can search this earth from top to bottom and you will never find a more upstanding woman than Mother Nomates but even she was branded a harlot for falling in love and marrying a man who was not a Catholic.

And what have some within the church done to set an example? The Goody Two Shoes wheedle their way into people’s lives, offering the highest quality of life in the here and hereafter and winning the trust of families everywhere.

Then they use their positions of trust to do the unthinkable to our children. Give me a common criminal any day.