The cheaper the prices, the quicker the service (From Northwich Guardian)

The cheaper the prices, the quicker the service

9:34am Tuesday 23rd March 2010

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I’LL tell you something. My moan last year about Mrs Dawdle keeping us all waiting at the tills has worked wonders in some quarters.

I don’t know if you have noticed but some retailers are really trying their best to get us through the checkouts a lot quicker.

The Germans have declared war. Aldi and Lidl are going head to head in the checkout speed Olympics and both are well ahead of the competition. What does that tell you? There is no doubt in my mind that when the judges deliver their verdict, one of them will get the ‘Gold’ and the other ‘Silver’ medals.

Where are the British checkout champions? Sat on their ‘brass’, that’s where. It occurs to me that the more expensive a store is, the longer it takes to go around. Is this to make us believe we are important? If so why do we have to beg for a carrier bag?

Take Marks and Spencer for example. Last time Ms Nomates and I dared to venture in to the food department, I could feel myself getting older as we waited to go through the checkout. Yes the checkout lady was very charming, very smart, very well spoken and yes the type of lady who you would invite to a dinner party, but only if she would procure staff discount on those lovely ready meals. Am I being cheeky?

Yes she is a good public face for the company but I don’t want to spend all day with her at her till. Why does she concern herself with every tiny detail of the life of the lady in front? Here’s a question. Why does Marks and Spencer insist on making me pay for a carrier bag so that together we can save the planet? I don’t want to save the planet. I want to save my money. The laughable thing is that because I also bought a T-shirt she gave me a thicker, more expensive carrier bag free of charge to put it in. I smell a rat.

The Sainsburys ladies and gentlemen are again courteous and helpful but it’s not full speed ahead and they do offer to pack your bags.

I suspect that if I ever agreed, I’d have to wait half an hour until a bag packer became available. Besides, why do you think I take Ms Nomates? You don’t have a dog and bark yourself, do you? Not that Ms Nomates barks in Sainsburys, you understand. She shouts in Sainsburys. She barks in Tesco where again no one rushes. Incidentally why are Sainsburys changing everything around?

It is now quicker to go to Winsford and dig up a pound of salt than it is to find it in the store. I saw on the news that supermarkets are under pressure to extend the two hours allowed in the disabled parking pays. I need a day pass. Somerfield’s staff are a little too cold for my liking and should be called Winterfield. Never has anyone offered to help to pack my bags. It’s not that I want them to but it’s nice to be asked.

The conclusion I have come to is this. The cheaper the prices, the quicker the service. I also believe that the Germans have a subtle expansion plan.

They’ll have shops in Poland before we know it.

I haven’t mentioned Asda, I hear someone scream. I’m sorry but I’m a snob and snobs don’t visit Asda, unless of course it is to buy some of their fresh fish, which is situated up at the other end of aisle seven. As you already know I am a Morrisons man and I think it’s because it is a family firm that most of the staff are fairly good at getting us through. Mr Morrison wrote to me once.

I can’t say what was in the letter except that he explained what BOGOF meant.

Of course the quickest way to get your shopping out of the store has been discovered by the criminal element. They have the monopoly on speed, they just fill their baskets and run out of the front door without passing Go or collecting two hundred pounds.

This method is supported by our legal system because they do nothing about it.

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