Does everybody get a free hair in soup? (From Northwich Guardian)

Does everybody get a free hair in soup?

8:59am Monday 7th December 2009

• Print
• Email
• Comments(0)

BEFORE I kick off I want to make it perfectly clear that so far I have had nothing but good service and courtesy from the staff of a well known establishment which can’t be named for legal reasons.

I can tell you that it rhymes with Aldi. Oops I have given the game away. As you may know Aldi is German for supermarket, but what is less known is that there are two Aldi groups which were owned by Germany’s richest brothers and I think they had a fall out or something, but don’t quote me.

There exists now Aldi Nord and Aldi Sud, which for those who are not fluent in German or it’s too early in the day to work it out, it means north and south. Anyway I believe, maybe wrongly, that there is a trade war being waged by the two and they will stop at nothing to be top dog. Or should it be top hot dog?

Lawyers put your phones down, it is only my scatterbrained theory.

Aldi are the Vorsprung durch Technik of the food world in the Fatherland and they are hoping with a ‘LIDL’ bit of luck they will grow here where we the ‘Victors’ reside. (See what I did there?) I think it is Aldi Sud over here and I do wonder if someone from Aldi Nord might have resorted to sabotage by hiding a hair in my tinned soup, knowing that if the world famous Billy Nomates publicised it Aldi Sud might suddenly crash.

It would make a great film. Anyway suffice it to say, somebody’s fly-away hair has found itself into my tin and I nearly choked on it. Had they tried it in 1939 they might have won the war. I am sure that being a German company there must be somebody in the head office named Walter so I suppose it could be a case of ‘Walter, there is a fly-away hair in my soup’. Or to translate, ‘Valer der ist einen flatterhaft haar in meiner Supper’. I thought it was funny.

The experience has scarred me for life. I thought I was dying. Naturally I have given the tin and the hair back to Aldi and the lovely man in the store signed for it on November 9. When I was in the trade I would have made a house call and slobbered an apology upon my valuable customer but as I write this on November 27, nobody has contacted me from head office.

Is a hair not taken seriously in Germany? Is is simply a case of ‘hair today, gone tomorrow’? What is going on in their minds? Is it something I said? Was I singled out? Are they trying to kill me? Is it because they saw me in LIDL? I am becoming paranoid.

Does everybody get a free hair in the supreme chicken and asparagus soup? Is it actually free or is it counted as part of the weight? Might it contain dangerous toxins from hairspray? Should I seek medical advice? Should I have my stomach pumped? Is it added for flavour in Germany? Does the German accent sound so abrasive because they all walk round with hairs in their mouths? Some look down on Aldi in this country as if it is embarrassing to shop there. The Germans on the other hand realise the quality of most of the brands. (soup excluded). My own cousin has told me so many times ‘the food in Aldi is to die for’.

I thought she was referring to flavour. Does she in fact know about the hair in the tin trick?

Is my family on the German side still bitter about the war? Is my own cousin targeting me?

So Aldi get your finger out and show you care about your good customers, Billy and Ms Nomates. I shouldn’t have said anything should I? I might find a thumb in my soup next time.

‘Do you know Walter, there is a thumb in my soup?’ ‘You hum it son. I’ll play it.’