billy nomates graphic The ramblings of a man with too much time on his hands

Billy Nomates

Play acting...

Posted on 6:01pm Monday 6th February 2012

I HAVE made it. I am famous in my own back yard. I have appeared in an article in the Guardian because I am a published playwright.

Billy Nomates

The sad tale of a hamster, a Dyson and a sewing needle

Posted on 2:28pm Friday 30th December 2011

MOST men will understand when I say that what starts out to be a small job can soon end up as a day’s work, or worse.

Billy Nomates

When is a bargain not a bargain?

Posted on 5:36pm Tuesday 6th December 2011

I AM one of my moaning moods again. ‘No surprise there then’, I hear you sigh.

Billy Nomates

Why the economy is like Ms Nomates buying shoes

Posted on 2:28pm Tuesday 22nd November 2011

DOES anyone understand ‘the economy’? A dictionary definition shows it as ‘Careful, thrifty management of resources, such as money, materials, or labour, usually of the household budget’.

Billy Nomates

What's going on at the BBC

Posted on 9:46am Thursday 20th October 2011

AT last a climb down by the BBC. They are cutting costs, supposedly to benefit the licence payer.

Billy Nomates

Why the need for speed?

Posted on 11:33am Monday 10th October 2011

THERE has been talk of raising the top speed limit to 80mph. Why bother?

Billy Nomates

Always look on the bright side of life...

Posted on 10:32am Wednesday 28th September 2011

EDDY Tor thinks that I’m depressed. He always proof-reads my words (he proof-reads whisky bottles too. Anything under 40% and he’s not a happy bunny, but that’s our little secret) and he said he thought my last piece was rather bleak.

Billy Nomates

What's the matter with kids today?

Posted on 5:06pm Tuesday 20th September 2011

ALL kids have done it? I did it and you probably did it.

Billy Nomates

Let politicians fight for the oil

Posted on 9:31am Thursday 15th September 2011

I DON’T know if it’s a curse or a blessing to be a little bit thick or naive. How often do we hear it said, ‘sometimes we’re best not knowing’? It’s true!

Billy Nomates

The cost of a royal wedding

Posted on 3:27pm Thursday 1st September 2011

SOMEBODY asked me, ‘why, in your last week’s offering of diatribe to the funeral pyre of bad journalism, did you suddenly go off on a tangent and state that our esteemed editor is only 3ft 6ins high? It made no sense’.

Billy Nomates

A new dawn and a new day for Billy

Posted on 1:40pm Tuesday 23rd August 2011

Billy Nomates has come of age. I have seen the light. I am departing from the dark ages.

Billy Nomates

Standing up for the police

Posted on 12:48pm Friday 19th August 2011

Today I’m going to shock you.

Billy's latest rant

Posted on 2:55pm Friday 12th August 2011

DEAR Billy, have you no good to say about any body in authority, especially the police of today?

Billy Nomates

Health and safety at its best

Posted on 9:40am Thursday 4th August 2011

I WAS watching a show on how rescue services have to work with one hand tied behind their backs because of ridiculous regulations.

Modern tennis is an acquired taste

Posted on 2:30pm Thursday 28th July 2011

I KNOW a lady who hibernates with a ton of strawberries and a bucket of cream for the tennis season.

Billy Nomates

There is nobody in the world as naïve as my mother

Posted on 12:30pm Monday 18th July 2011

When I was very young, probably about 14 years of age, Ma Nomates told me she was going to watch a program on the telly about the Lebanon.

Billy Nomates

Why do people read my drivel?

Posted on 9:33am Monday 18th July 2011

I WAS trying to have a quiet pie outside Greggs.

Billy NoMates latest rant...

Posted on 12:41pm Thursday 30th June 2011

I WANT to apologise unreservedly for my stupid joke about the police.

Billy Nomates

I still prefer Ronnie Rover to Kia Caren

Posted on 4:00pm Tuesday 21st June 2011

DON’T think I’m sexist but I still prefer Ronnie Rover to Kia Caren, but please don’t tell her, she’s not an easy woman.

If nobody on the planet made another car for years, would the world come to an end?

Posted on 4:29pm Tuesday 7th June 2011

I DON’T suppose for one moment that many will find anything amusing about the tsunami in Japan and what was reported as a melt down of a nuclear power station, but of course the text messages and emails, containing the very un-PC jokes, have done the rounds.

Billy Nomates

Don’t worry if it doesn’t make any sense

Posted on 12:45pm Tuesday 31st May 2011

OSAMA Bin Laden is dead but just you wait.

Billy Nomates

I had a dream

Posted on 3:07pm Thursday 26th May 2011

I HAD a dream.

Billy Nomates

I'm not saying the tip is rubbish

Posted on 3:52pm Tuesday 17th May 2011

HAVE you ever spent any of your leisure time visiting the rubbish tip in our town?

I was against Elton John adopting a baby

Posted on 4:28pm Tuesday 10th May 2011

AS the very wise Eddy Tor (our esteemed editor) always says, one has to wait a while before making any comedic or other comments concerning controversial topics.

Not many ladies with double-barrelled names ever write to me

Posted on 3:44pm Tuesday 3rd May 2011

DEAR Billy, I attended the Billy Nomates Blind Date night in March at Owley Wood Social Club and thoroughly enjoyed it.

This week's rant

Posted on 3:16pm Tuesday 19th April 2011

DON’T you find language and the meaning and the sounds of words interesting?

Mathematical diatribe

Posted on 11:05am Tuesday 12th April 2011

JEREMY Kyle asked a girl how sure she was her boyfriend had cheated on her.

Children eat free

Posted on 3:38pm Tuesday 5th April 2011

It doesn’t really matter which supermarket I’ve enjoyed a tiff with.

Do you think my marriage is over?

Posted on 1:43pm Tuesday 29th March 2011

DEAR Billy, My wife and I have 11 kids, all boys.

Billy Nomates

Making a pig’s ear of everything

Posted on 4:16pm Tuesday 22nd March 2011

THEY’VE been in power for 15 minutes and have been successfully making a pig’s ear of everything.

We all like to get away with something

Posted on 9:10am Wednesday 16th March 2011

BILLY Nomates Blind Date is sold out.

I'm a Spice junkie

Posted on 12:41pm Tuesday 15th March 2011

I HAVE said it before and I’ll say it again.

There is only one way to hide live evidence...

Posted on 1:52pm Tuesday 1st March 2011

DEAR Billy...

I’ve been a 700-a-week man for as long as I can remember

Posted on 11:01am Thursday 24th February 2011

YOU may have noticed, I have shrunk and am smaller than before.

Valentine's Day cuts

Posted on 3:57pm Tuesday 15th February 2011

LAST year was the Wild Boar at Beeston on Valentine’s night, but because of cutbacks this year we spent the night in Abi the Caravan in a field.

Are you a woman, Billy?

Posted on 4:15pm Friday 11th February 2011

Mr Nomates, I have read some rubbish in my time but yours takes the biscuit. One minute you pontificate on one inane point of view and the next you are ramming another incredulous opinion down our throats.

Billy Nomates

Billy on boilers

Posted on 4:22pm Tuesday 8th February 2011

HOW many of us spent half of the big freeze with a kettle full of boiling water trying to defrost the outlet pipe from the central heating?

Billy Nomates

National Coronation (Street) Day

Posted on 3:14pm Thursday 27th January 2011

MS Nomates and I have still not come to terms with it.

Billy Nomates

There's an art to being a pantomime cow

Posted on 11:10am Tuesday 11th January 2011

THE pantomime didn't go quite as well as I had anticipated. Yes it sold out.

Billy Nomates

Happy New Year

Posted on 10:32am Monday 10th January 2011

IT’S the end of another year and maybe it’s my age, but I do find I am becoming more nostalgic or could it be associated with the old belief that elephants go home to die?

Billy Nomates

Maybe Scrooge had a point

Posted on 10:30am Tuesday 4th January 2011

MS NOMATES and I took Mother Nomates to see A Christmas Carol at the Grange school.

Billy Nomates

What's the attraction in getting married?

Posted on 9:21am Thursday 23rd December 2010

THERE is to be a society wedding next year and we’ve been invited.

Billy Nomates

Cameron and Clegg are from another galaxy

Posted on 12:20pm Tuesday 14th December 2010

‘LAST Christmas, I gave you my heart.

Billy Nomates

We Brits have a good sense of humour

Posted on 10:20am Tuesday 14th December 2010

IF you don’t live in Northwich, a shanty town in Cheshire, you will not have heard the exciting news that a taxi driver has actually been allowed to keep the slogan on his taxi: ‘British by birth, English by the grace of God’. I should blooming well think so too.

Phantom Public Bin Filler!

Posted on 11:35am Thursday 11th November 2010

WHO remembers Dad’s Army, when the German officer asked Pike ‘Vat is your name?’ Captain Mainwaring shouted ‘Don’t tell him Pike.’ What a brilliant line and it might have been relevant in the Second World War but today we freedom fighters want people to know who we are, and what we stand for.

MC Nomates

Posted on 9:11am Tuesday 9th November 2010

I WAS taken to watch a talent show at a local school and it was fabulous.

Discrimination

Posted on 10:33am Friday 29th October 2010

TODAY’S whinge is about a certain kind of discrimination. I know about the subject as I have been discriminated against all my life.

Family values

Posted on 9:24am Monday 18th October 2010

IT took about 13 years for Labour to break us. Of course they weren’t clever enough to do it alone. The bankers ripped us off and tried to convince us it was our fault. Now we have The Exterminators, Cameron and Clegg.

Bingo crazy

Posted on 9:53am Thursday 23rd September 2010

PC (political correctness) and PC (profit consideration) are driving the fun out of bingo.

Fact or fiction!!!

Posted on 11:18am Tuesday 31st August 2010

I Have kidnapped the editor (Eddy Tor) and brought him here to a secret location where I am administering a very painful torture.

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