So this is Christmas - well almost (From Northwich Guardian)

So this is Christmas - well almost

10:19am Friday 26th September 2008 in News By Staff reporter

May my brother and I be the first to wish you all a very merry Christmas? (Brother Nomates spotted it first this year). We've only got four months to celebrate. Am I the only one cheesed off with t already and what it's come to stand for?

Money, Money, Money! It's not funny (ABBA). That's all it is now. It's not a special day, but a full season. When it was just the 12 days of Christmas, mistletoe was in season and the geese were getting fat, we knew where we were.

We knew when it was Christmas because it was cold with the distinct possibility of snow.

We knew when it was Christmas because the shops were full of woollen pullovers with funny patterns on.

We knew when it was Christmas because we got the sudden urge to suck up to our loving, fabulous, great, wonderful, fantastic, incredible, remarkable, astonishing, brilliant, amazing, smashing, super duper, generous parents. We did more grovelling than the rent man and what did my brothers and I get for our efforts?

A sock with a few nuts, two tangerines, a plastic soldier, a painting activity book, a pencil, crayons, a card game such as 'Old Maid', a bag of sweets, a white sugar mouse, a cowboy outfit, an apple, a balloon, a pair of gloves, a pair of school socks, a comic book and some kind of toffee lolly to pull our milk teeth out and save on dentist's bills. Right in the depths of the toe was a bright shiny penny. We were happy and we were grateful.

We knew when it was Christmas because we got the sudden urge to suck up to our loving, fabulous, great, wonderful, fantastic, incredible, remarkable, astonishing, brilliant, amazing, smashing, super duper, generous parents.

Billy Nomates

Do you remember the film Pretty Woman, where Richard Gere made the shop assistants grovel to Julia Roberts? She got bags full of designer gear but no tangerines, no shiny penny and no toffee lolly.

Poor girl. She got no fruit, no cash and she had nothing to suck on Christmas Day.

(If you're reading this Julia, it would make my Christmas if we could have a snog. I won't spill the beans to Ms Nomates, if you swear not to tell Mr Gere.)

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It's not just Christmas that's gone to pot. Other dates and celebrations were simpler too. Hallowe'en lasted for one night only so if we couldn't 'bob for an apple' then, it was too late.

We didn't go round the neighbourhood for a fortnight, scaring the pants off old ladies.

It's the same with Easter. The Easter Bunny goes to the shops at Christmas and leaves eggs for the boys and girls. The Wicked Men in the shops don't give the eggs to the children, but instead make them wait for three months and then make them pay for them.

By the time Easter Day arrives they are past their sell by date. The Tesconians, ASDAnians and Sainsbranians are worse than the Devil. At least 'The Child Catcher' looked evil (Oh we did enjoy Chitty Chitty Bang Bang at the Liverpool Empire).

The Easter Bunny used to hide eggs around the garden. She did it once a year. It doesn't bode well for a child, growing up with the belief that a rabbits lay eggs. For the rest of the year the chicken did it, but they weren't chocolate.

We used to spend all Easter Day searching for our chocolate delights. I found a bottle of vodka once, Dad told me that Mummy Rabbit needed counselling and he hid it in his shed.

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At New Year we see stacks of plastic lemons and pancake mix in the shops for Shrove Tuesday (February), Valentine cards (February), and Mother's Day cards (March).

Beach towels are stacked high long with buckets and spades, sun lotion, sunglasses and picnic baskets. Summer begins on January 1 apparently. We should have longer summer holidays.

(May I suggest to Mr Brown that if he wants to become popular, he ought to focus on holidays instead of starting fights here, there, and every where. We could have public holidays on April Fool's Day, St George's Day, Trooping The Colour Day, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Longest Day Of The Year Day, A second Father's Day, Summer Time Ends day and Bonfire Night Day. Do I need to go on?

Better still we could have the whole year off and celebrate a Day At Work Day - there would be no trouble with the unions.) I remember when summer used to be hot and dry but now it's cold and wet.

Spring did hat it was meant to do; it sprung. Leaves fell in autumn but they please themselves nowadays. Christmas seems years away but already Noddy Holder is belting out Merry Christmas Everybody, and George Michael is telling you that Last Christmas I gave you my heart (George, think of something different this year). Dana is still wailing that It's Gonna Be A Cold Christmas Without You.

No it's not. It's going to be hot and sunny.