* THE answer to our having too many telephones is that we are going to
have . . . more telephones. We were puzzling over this conundrum last
night in McSonachan's after a hard day at the STD face, our left ears
red-raw with receiver-fatigue.
Of course it was mere coincidence that one of us had just taken a call
from home. Something to do with the dog's tail being trapped in the spin
dryer. Our colleague returned to the bar, sighing, finished the pint of
stout, and ordered another round.
Before charges are levelled of ''typically arrogant male behaviour'',
let me point out that the perpetrator was Ms Desiree Flexitime of our
Trust Deeds Department (''The Silent Vultures'') and the call had come
from her house-husband. Autres temps, autres moeurs.
McSonachan is one of those licensees who operate a telephone filter
system. It is not as sophisticated as that in Edinburgh's Oxford Bar,
which once posted a list of fees for different responses, culminating
in: ''Never heard of him -- #1.'' McSonachan's technique is more direct.
He simply looks at the quarry and bawls: ''Is Desiree Flexitime in the
bar?''
Anyway, when Desiree returned sighing to her pint, we knew it had been
one of those tough phone calls that every dedicated drinker dreads when
winding down after work (a diminishing band of brothers and sisters, I
have noted: a grant from British Heritage is surely indicated).
We watched silently to see what would happen next. When Desiree
ordered another round, it confirmed that we were in the presence of a
true professional, and conversation resumed with renewed fervour.
We were perturbed by the Cable & Wireless launch of the Mercury
One-2-One mobile phone system, in which local calls will be free. The
implications are obvious. The system would have the effect of by-passing
the McSonachan filter.
Can you imagine the terror and anxiety in a bar where everybody had a
Mercury mobile phone? The local calls from home are always the most
feared. If they are free, you can't cut them off on the grounds that the
meter is running.
Also, the hunter can seek the quarry round a whole list of favoured
howffs without incurring a penny of extra expense. It is quite clear
that Lord Young, chairman of Cable & Wireless, doesn't go to
McSonachan's after work.
The Braces said there were advantages. On a busy night in the pub, for
example, when you are at the back and nobody is giving way, you could
pull out your mobile and dial the barman with your order. Typically,
barmen like telephone calls because it gives them a chance to light a
cigarette.
Ms Angelica Banana-Skyne, the High Whitecraigs polymath, asked if we
hadn't forgotten something. ''Everybody would have a pocket phone,'' she
said. ''They'd need to put up a special satellite just to handle the
orders at McSonachan's.''
The only good news was that this Mercury system won't reach Scotland
for about three years. Three years' drinking-up time seems quite
reasonable, but we left the bar at 10.30 in a gloomy frame of mind.
* THE speculation about how Kenneth Clarke will raise extra revenue in
his November Budget must be giving the Chancellor a few laughs. The
laugh a hangman has as he peers through peepholes in cell doors,
measuring candidates for the rope.
We are intrigued by a piece in the magazine Newspaper Focus, sounding
the prospects of VAT on our organs. Sadly, it concludes that a newspaper
campaign against the tax would be counter-productive, as ''journalists
have about as much public esteem as Bosnian Serb generals''.
Well, whatever you say about Bosnian Serb generals, they are not
subject to 17.5% VAT. Even Lord Owen hasn't tried that one. Maybe he is
waiting for Kenneth Clarke to test the water.
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