November 22.

Relax, homebirds, the Government will, with breathtaking speed, offer

to foot the bill if your house burns down but only if you meet the

following criteria:

You must be one of, if not ''the'' richest person in the world. You

must have a minimum of three other homes to which you can go to be

''devastated'' in, or have a wealthy mother, son, or daughter who could

find you a spare room in their sprawling rural single-ends.

You must not have paid a penny in income tax but have in fact been

given money from the public purse provided you do not disclose the

amount to anyone, especially the taxpayers.

Now, before other victims of natural disasters, negligence, or sundry

Government policies rush to get their claims in, please remember we are

in the grip of the deepest recession in living memory.

Show restraint, save your sixpences, work hard if you have a job, get

on your bike and look for one if you haven't. We are all in this

together in this classless society of ours.

Just where do you suggest that the Government, generous and

compassionate as it is, finds the money for such demands? From health,

education, the social services budget?

Jean Macaulay,

45 Kirkland Street,

Glasgow.