MPs returned to the European issue yesterday amid confusion and farce.

ANYONE trying to come up with a definition of confusion might, in

future, simply have to say the words: ''Maastricht Bill.'' It began what

will be a tortuous progress through its House of Commons committee stage

yesterday, and all hell broke loose.

There were elements of pantomime as MPs embarked on almost 90 minutes

of points of order, in which the selection (or not) of what some argued

were crucial amendments was discussed. Most of it was to do with whether

or not there should or could be a referendum.

The yawn factor was there, of course, with Mr Ron Leighton (Newham

North-East -- Lab) producing a superb example, and Mr Tam Dalyell

(Linlithgow -- Lab.) not far behind.

Mr Menzies Campbell (Fife North East -- Lib. Dem.) stifled one, but

the ''most relaxed MP'' prize must go to Foreign Office Minister Tristan

Garel-Jones, who spent the entire proceedings with his feet up on the

despatch box table and his hands clasped behind his head.

Teddy bear fan Mr Gyles Brandreth (City of Chester -- Con.) rather

summed up the feelings of some in the House when he rose to say: ''Most

of the points of order do not appear to me to be points of order.''

''Oh yes they were,'' said Deputy Speaker Michael Morris, who was in

charge of the proceedings, but one waited in vain for the obvious

rejoinder.

All the stars of the Maastricht firmament were on show -- Tony Benn,

Ted Heath, Bill Cash, Teddy Taylor -- and some of them were called more

than once by the ever-patient Mr Morris, whose bow-tied outfit was a

cross between a Dickensian bank clerk and a snooker referee.

Sir Teddy (Southend East -- Con.) raised what he optimistically said

would be three very brief points of order, but was clearly thrown off

course a bit later when he thought he had been called again, only to

find that Mr Morris wanted to hear from Mr Ian Taylor (Esher) who was

sitting on the bench in front.

Sir Teddy paced up and down in consternation, unsettled by remarks

from the other Taylor and the Harlequin-suited Mrs Edwina Currie, who

was strategically placed on the bench behind.

The exchanges began at 3.44pm and ended at 5.07pm, with Mr Morris

insisting that he wanted to deal with each point of order one at a time.

Miss Emma Nicholson (Devon West and Torridge -- Con.) argued that a

''small but vocal minority'' was intent on impeding the progress of the

Bill and that the House should proceed with haste. ''The chair does not

feel impeded at the moment,'' said Mr Morris.

Mr Dennis Skinner (Bolsover -- Lab.) said there was ''something very

sinister about the whole affair,'' while the ultra Euro-sceptic on the

Tory benches Mr William Cash (Stafford) was accused by Mr Morris of

making interventions which were ''increasingly ingenious but

unhelpful.'' He thought, not unreasonably, that taking a point of order

during what already was a point of order was pushing it a bit.

An indication of the trouble in store came last night when Mr Cash

spoke for two hours and 22 minutes on the first formal amendment to the

Bill. To much hilarity, he was interrupted at the witching hour of 10pm

by a Government whip who wanted to report that the House had made

progress. They had not made much progress, and Mr Cash will take up the

cudgels again today.

The Maastricht show is set to run and run.