THE DIARY

Cold comfort

A SIGHT rarely seen in other sports, but the start of the Highland League match between Fort William and Lossiemouth was delayed on Saturday after the referee asked for a condom to be removed from the middle of Claggan Park. An impressed committee member, Ian Ross, said: "Considering the temperature was several degrees under on Friday night, it must have taken a brave man, and woman, to be out there."

Perhaps more worrying is the fact that the drawn game was Fort William's first point of the season, so it may have to become the club's lucky mascot.

Political correction

WE DON'T know whether it was merely wishful thinking or a faulty spellchecker, but we notice in the Scotsman newspaper, writer Allan Massie praising the resurgence of the Borders rugby team and stating that their win over Cardiff, Jonah Lomu and all, was down to "three outstanding players for the Borders, all products of Hawick, genuine Tories".

But, before the Conservatives' recruiting team arrives, we should, of course, point out that folk from Hawick are traditionally known as "Teris".

Out of character

AH, YOU can take the girl out of Scotland . . . A Scottish emigre to Ireland, working for a Dublin PR firm, was making a pitch for the firm's major client, Kellogg's, in which she suggested the Frosties cereal mascot should make a number of promotional visits. As she was about to hand over the document, she read it for the final time, and suddenly realised she had described the character as Tiger Tim throughout rather than the real mascot, Tony the Tiger. A frantic rewrite saved any phone calls to Radio Clyde to check the veteran DJ's availability for personal appearances.

Live wire

NOW we would be the last folk to suggest that journalists are not the brightest, but Scottish Television presenter Stephen Jardine was being interviewed last week about the new show Sunday Live, which began at the weekend, when he was asked by the journalist interviewing him: "So is the first show already recorded?"

With as much diplomacy as he could muster, Stephen gently told him: "The clue is in the Sunday Live title."

* We've never been impressed by the vanity of individuals who need the prop of a personalised number plate, but nevertheless we agree with Tom Hart in Bearsden on the appropriateness of a company van for Bathrooms Complete having the number plate M1 BOG.

Getting an earful

TOUGH job being a disc jockey? Well, Barry Jackson, of new label Refo Recordings, was gigging at Edinburgh's Cabaret Voltaire last week when he suddenly asked girls in the audience if any of them had tweezers in their make-up bags. No, he hadn't suddenly taken a fancy to plucking his eyebrows, but had to confess he'd pushed his earplug too far into his ear and couldn't remove it.

Barry then saw the worrying sight of a rather large bouncer approaching, suggesting he step into the office. Once there, the steward announced he was a qualified medic, produced a sewing needle, ordered a female member of staff to hold the DJ's head in an armlock, warned him not to move a muscle, and removed the blockage.

As the plug popped out, the steward told Barry: "Look up and say cheese, " as the whole operation was recorded on the office's CCTV system. And, no, you should not try that at home.

Bobby dazzler

DEVOTEES of verbal bon mots will be delighted by Sir Bobby Robson's return to football's front line, assisting Ireland's new manager, Steve Staunton. "We didn't underestimate them, " Sir Bobby, pictured, once remarked, "they were just better than we thought."

Security alert

WITHERING putdowns, continued. Tom Nugent, of Troon, remembers working at the Singer factory in Clydebank where gate security was intense to prevent petty theft of parts. A young lady seen leaving with a large cardboard box was targeted by a rotund security man who bellowed: "Haw, whit's that ye've goat under yer airm?"

Without breaking stride, she replied: "Hair. Whit have you goat under yours?"

Our tale of TV savagery, in which a chimp ripped another monkey to bits and ate it raw, prompts a gourmet suggestion from exiled Scot Graeme Lauchlan, now resident in Staffordshire.

"Surely it would have tasted better, " says Graeme, "if the chimp had put it under the gorilla for a while."