Bombing Brazil

FORMER Scotland star Alan Brazil, pictured, now a TalkSport breakfast show host, is probably regretting interrupting the station's news bulletin yesterday.

The newsreader had intoned: ''Two bombs have exploded outside branches of the British bank HSBC in Turkey,'' when Brazil, still preoccupied with Wayne Rooney's hat-trick in Manchester United's victory over Fenerbahce, declared: ''By the way, three more bombs were unleashed on Turkey last night.''

The newsreader, somewhat embarrassed, replied: ''Yes, but it's not quite the same, though.''

Starring role

GLASGOW's lord provost, Liz Cameron, is hoping that the annual conference of the Association of Film Commissioners International coming to Glasgow will mean even more films being shot in the city. She named House of Mirth, based on Edith Wharton's Victorian novel, as her favourite movie filmed in Glasgow.

''Glasgow became nineteenth-century New York,'' recalled Liz, whose City Chambers office was transformed into a New York hotel bedroom. ''Nothing saucy happened,'' she assures us. ''Edith Wharton stories aren't like that . . . and I wasn't there.''

Chipping in

SEVEN Greenock chums used to frequent the Spinnaker in Gourock, taking turns to drive home. On one occasion, their transport was less spacious than usual, leading to the smallest toper being hefted into the car's boot. Chips soon became a necessity, with the car's six regular passengers piling into Gourock's Wee Chippy. Suddenly, two policemen entered, inquiring about the owner of the blue car outside. Fearing a multiplicity of traffic offences, the driver owned up. ''Well,'' said the sergeant, ''the guy in the boot wants chips, too.''

Currently touring America, the Scots group the Trashcan Sinatras visited the New York studios of radio station KROQ to promote their show at the Bowery Ballroom. On arrival, KROQ's elderly concierge greeted the band's name by growling: ''It's just as well for you Frank's dead.''

Figures of fun

A READER tells us he is glad Glasgow Labour MSP Gordon Jackson was not in charge of the Holyrood building project because of his poor numeracy skills. Gordon listed on the MSPs' register of interests that his forecasted earnings from also dabbling as a QC would be about (pounds) 100,000 a year. The latest figures published yesterday from the Legal Aid Board shows that Gordon earned (pounds) 243,500 from that source alone.

''It makes you wonder,'' says our reader, ''whether Gordon's forecast in the register that his three flats in Edinburgh are worth only between (pounds) 60,000 and (pounds) 70,000 each is just as accurate.''

Divine comedy

LABOUR MP Jack Cunningham was walking through the hall at the Labour Party conference when his eye caught a row of retired trade union leaders, including Jack Jones and Rodney Bickerstaffe - men whose unions once struck fear in the Labour Party. ''My goodness,'' said the MP, ''it's a pantheon of the gods.''

Jack Jones though was not impressed by such praise. ''No,'' he said, ''it's just a museum.''

Conference cuties

FINALLY getting into the Labour conference yesterday were the foxes. Not the real ones escaping the demonstrating huntsmen outside, but the cuddly puppet variety. The League Against Cruel Sports had been selling them, but security stopped people from bringing them inside in case they inflamed the protesters. Eventually, MPs Claire Ward and Phyllis Starkey were so incensed at the foxes being confiscated that they threatened to raise the ban at the microphone. Security relented and the Lacs is delighted to announce that it has sold nearly 1000 of the puppets to delegates, thus saving them a trip to the shops for that Brighton prezzie for the loved ones at home.

Settling old scores

IT seems that even England fans are now accepting that the Russian linesman who allowed the disputed England goal in the 1966 World Cup final needed his eyes tested. The linesman, Tofik Bakhramov, was, in fact, from Azerbaijan, where England will be playing next month, so a major English shirt manufacturer is producing football tops which state ''Cox Sag Ulun'', which is the Azerbaijani for ''thank you'' for fans to wear in Baku in memory of Tofik.

Floor show

CATCHING an episode of Sharon Osbourne's TV talk show on a visit to America, reader Jo Forsyth was reminded of an interview with Sharon's late father, Don Arden. Don was quizzed about his tough-guy image as a rock-band manager in 1960s London, being asked if it was true he'd once hired thugs to dangle a rival manager by his ankles from a third-floor window. ''I can categorically deny that,'' Don purred. ''It was the fourth floor.''